Paddy Gibney Music

A stitch in time saves nine what?

Paddy: Bitches and Wine

Bill: Tits!

Selena: inches?
Vanessa: embarrassing moments
Sarah: Nine lives if you are a friendly little cat.

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Paddy: Only after Broccoli

Bill: How the hell would I know!

Selena: only if they eat lots of garlic. or maybe beans

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Paddy: Inside a sperm whale

Bill: Cardboard?

Are female moths called myths?

Paddy: No, they are called dirty bitches

Bill: Sure. Why not?

Vanessa: Only if they are single. Married moths are mythes.

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Paddy: No, part time wankers

Bill: Yup

Are there a lot of virgins in the Virgin Islands?

Paddy: Yes, I live there

Bill: Hope so!

Selena: Not after Paddy and Bill vacationed there.
Sarah: Maybe this one should have been listed under myths!!!!

Are there any unguided missiles?

Paddy: Yes, in Billy's pants

Bill: Specially on Bragg!

Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say “Do Not Pass”?

Paddy: puff puff pass------puff puff pass

Bill: Who came up with these questions?

Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?

Paddy: All depends

Bill: You're making me think too much

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Paddy: The Rock

Bill: I'm getting angry!

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Paddy: Yes, but they can't help it

Bill: Do you see my patience growing thin?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Paddy: Only at night

Bill: I'm leaving now.

Selena: Of course but only one side at a time
Shane The Bouncer: Yeah...but not with me!

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Paddy: Only at knight

Bill: Bye!

Selena: Duh If you could it would be called a chessshop

Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?

Paddy: Only if you swallow

Bill:

Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Paddy: Yes, they're GRRRRREEEEAAAAT

Bill:

Crime doesn’t pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Paddy: Yes, I can't believe I get away with it

Bill:

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Paddy: I don't know why they save it but they put it where the sun doesn't shine

Bill:

Selena: I don't know why they do it but they keep it on the dark side of the moon. They probably need some light back there.

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Paddy: No, he kept them in his bonnet

Bill:

Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?

Paddy: What the wuff?

Bill:

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Paddy: How the wuff would I know?

Bill:

Do boxer shorts box?

Paddy: Pretty often

Bill:

Selena: Only for a short time
Vanessa: Oh yes. But it usually ends with a TKO in the first few moments.
Shane The Bouncer: A knockout everytime!
JustinaKGirl: They have NEVER boxed me....

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Paddy: Dead Pussy!!

Bill:

Selena: oh yeah. That's when the fun begins

Do clowns wear really big socks?

Paddy: Only Irish clowns........they need three socks

Bill:

Selena: Only African Americans. They need HUGE socks
Vanessa: Let's see now. We are trying to sort of get in sync with P&B. I think we would have to say if they were Irish because Paddy is always talking about 'socks'.

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

Paddy: Dead Pussy!!

Bill:

Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

Paddy: Depends on who's unzipping!!

Bill:

Do fish get thirsty?

Paddy: They need Guinness too!!

Bill:

Vanessa: Only salt-water fish. Others are fine unless they eat anchovies.

Do hummingbirds hum because they don’t know the words?

Paddy: I like hummers

Bill:

Selena: No. It is because they are too small. They can only carry the tune.
Vanessa: Nope. It's because their mouth is full.

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Paddy: Only gay crows

Bill:

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Paddy: When a man's head gets hard, his brain gets soft

Bill:

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Paddy: Smells like cherries

Bill:

Do mass murderers kill only in church?

Paddy: Yes, especially after answering these dumb questions

Bill:

What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don’t pass?

Paddy: You go to the Pub.

Bill:

Vanessa: Oops. No need to worry about it!!!!!!
Sarah: I guess there is no better luck next time for this one!!
Tarajean: send a search party

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

Paddy: It comes off hopefully.

Bill:

Selena: You burn the damned thing
Vanessa: First you take it off. Then you burn it.
Sarah: 18 hours in a bra, sounds more like a jail sentence.

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Paddy: You have a bee in your bonnet

Bill:

What happens when you swallow your pride?

Paddy: Don't swallow. Spit.

Bill:

What if hell really did freeze over? What would we be using instead?

Paddy: I would give up Guinness.

Bill:

What if someone died in the living room?

Paddy: Throw a sheet over them and have a party.

Bill:

What if the hokey pokey really is what it’s all about?

Paddy: The guy who wrote that song died last week but they could not get him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.....that's when the trouble started.

Bill:

Vanessa: Then I have a problem
JustinaKGirl: Rock F$&#* On....That is exactly what I will pray that it is all about. I will keep this smile, and this faith.

What if you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Paddy: To Hope Mills

Bill:

Selena: Afghanistan
Shane The Bouncer: England!!!
Sarah: The office where I work !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seeing my supervisor loves calling her workers Demons.
Tarajean: Columbia, SC!

What is “Soft Liquor”?

Paddy: I don't know but I'm sure someone bought me a shot of it.

Bill:

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

Paddy: That's when they bend you over but you don't know it yet.

Bill:

What is a refried bean? Why do they have to fry it twice?

Paddy: Looks like vomit and bad for the colon.

Bill:

What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?

Paddy: An Eskimo with dandruff.

Bill:

What’s the sound a name makes when it’s dropped?

Paddy: The same sound one makes after eating refried beans.

Bill:

What’s the synonym for thesaurus?

Paddy: Aren't they extinct?

Bill:

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Paddy: BOOBIES

Bill:

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?

Paddy: Most everything comes out of their arses.

Bill:

When day breaks who fixes it?

Paddy: A few pints of Guinness fixes everything.

Bill:

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Paddy: Probably a dog like me.

Bill:

What is the diameter of a square?

Paddy: The square root of a case of beer.

Bill:

What is the speed of dark?

Paddy: Performing music whilst drunk

Bill:

What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum?

Paddy: Strawberries and Cream...... and a tongue.

Bill:

What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?

Paddy: To find out who cut the cheese in a room full of refried bean eaters.

Bill:

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Paddy: Guinness (before and after)

Bill:

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Paddy: They were caught in a burning ring of fire (after eating refried beans).

Bill:

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Paddy: I live in Fayetteville. It's hot. I wave a lot.

Bill:

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Paddy: NO, he love you long time.

Bill:

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Paddy: Do bears shit in the woods?

Bill:

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

Paddy: Pussy on the move

Bill:

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

Paddy: Toasted pussy on the move......

Bill:

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Paddy: Like the pussy dropped from a height, you landed on your feet.

Bill:

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Paddy: No, you're generally a pain in the arse. Where's my Preparation H?

Bill:

If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a horn?

Paddy: Only if you drive in Ireland.

Bill:

If you’re a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it?

Paddy: Steal some drugs

Bill:

If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Paddy: Your sphincter tightens up

Bill:

In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you’re planning on lying, do they really think you’ll tell them so?

Paddy: Superman never lies. Well, only to Wonderwoman.

Bill:

Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don’t hunters just use flame-throwers?

Paddy: No, all hunters should hang out along any North Carolina road. That's where the deer are.

Bill:

Is “tired old cliché” one?

Paddy: No, it's a problem solved by Viagra.

Bill:

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Paddy: He should be.

Bill:

Is a halfback more valuable than a quarterback?

Paddy: Of course, a halfback is a soccer player.

Bill:

Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?

Paddy: only if someone castrates him

Bill:

Is a small pig called a hamlet?

Paddy: No, he's a dirty old man.

Bill:

Is an oxymoron a really dumb bovine?

Paddy: An Oxymoron is a person who sings songs in bars.....next to a guy playing a violin.

Bill:

Is drilling for oil boring?

Paddy: Depends on who you're drilling and how much alcohol you've had.

Bill:

Is duck tape made out of ducks?

Paddy: DUCK OFF!

Bill:

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

Paddy: If you like Rush Limbaugh.

Bill:

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Paddy: No, clowns tend to eat a lot of refried beans.

Bill: